Twilight Review – “Teenage Vampire Fangirl Trite”

I know that there are some who would contend with the title and statements that I would make about this book.  Such as “you just don’t get it” or “you’re just a typical guy who can’t understand romance” or the ever popular “have you even read Twilight?”  

To answer all those question within this particular review, yes, I’ve read Twilight cover to cover and I still don’t get how a pile of trite like this manages to climb to the top of the bestsellers list in both the New York Times as well as in the Barnes and Noble list.  

Along with a laundry list of problems that the book has with conventional vampire fiction it also has several different points that demonstrate the underlining vexing, frustrating, and flabbergasting fantasies of the American teenage girl mind.   

To begin the list of problems with vampire fiction the first is the problem of how the vampires within this story can not only walk into the daylight but also “sparkle”.  

Of course, there are other stories where vampires have been shown to walk into daylight without a lot of harm; such as in the first of these printed stories, Bram Stoker’s Dracula where the Transylvanian count walks in daylight but is not like his vampiric self.  

By contrast with the vampires of Twilight and how Edward seems to sparkle before Bella already seems to invoke an idea of a being that is not a vampire but something far more fanciful and whimsical, such as a pixie or a fairy.  

Needless to say, sparkles don’t belong on an undead creature that feeds on the blood of the living.  

This already brings it to the next point where the vampires of Twilight engage in what the author loosely calls “vampire vegetarianism”, which is already a laughable idea.  

After all, just because someone doesn’t eat red meat but chooses to eat fish and chicken doesn’t make them a vegetarian does it?  After all there was already a childish notion of a vegetarian vampire and the title of that was called “Bunnicula” which was a children’s story published in 1979 by James low about a vampire-bunny that sucks the juice out of vegetables.  

Another true vegetarian vampire is the British Animated Television show character “Duckula” who by a mishap of his own resurrection cannot drink blood and instead feasts upon carrots, tomatoes, and broccoli.  

Moving on from the obvious deficiencies of Meyer’s ability to create a believable creature of the night we come to the more frustrating part of it; the fantasies and trite of the teenage girl.  

The main focus of this point is with the books main character; Bella Swan who not only is a sparsely flawed character but is almost too perfect.  

One of these is the fact that after she moves into her new school nearly all the other students and teachers latch onto her as if she had become some kind of small town celebrity.  

One of the signs of this is how she is approached by several different boys whom she snubs off; one of them in particular will be discussed later on.  

As a character, she is virtually flat without any depth to her as far as quirks, flaws, and so on.  

Apparently, the only character flaw is that she is clumsy.  Beyond the flatness of her persona she is given no truly human characteristics.  Such as if she were to be made into a more three-dimensional character, the author would have taken time to put in memories of why this character got the way that she is, which is a talent that is more aptly done by novelist Stephen King as well as J.K. Rowling.  


In her “relationships” to the others we come to one of the guys that she snubs off.  This mere mortal individual nice-guy is named Mike whom both Bella (as well as the readers who identify with her) pan him off as irritating, annoying, and uninteresting.  

Already this seems to suggest that Bella (as well as her fans) don’t really want nice men, which comes back to the age old line of “nice guys finish last”.  

Instead, she begins a rather half-hearted pursuit of a boy named Edward who is both a vampire as well as un-dateable which seems to be a rather large staple in a lot of teenage fiction; where the new person gets someone that is unattainable by the others.  It also plays into the dichotomy of how Bella snubs off a mere-mortal nice guy for a vampire.  

In my queries with other Twilight fans of the pursuit of why women readers flock to this book I had developed an interesting question; “isn’t a girl falling in love with a vampire a bit like a girl falling in love with a serial killer or a rapist?”  Of course, the fans in their denial of trying to use any kind of logic simply try to brush it aside by saying such rhetoric as “not all vampires are bad”.  It may be true, but I’m sure that there were women who were thinking the same thing about Jeffrey Dahmer or Jack the Ripper before they met their end.  

Another peculiar note that came up in my own queries of Twilight fans is how many of them found the behaviors of the vampire Edward as “romantic”.  One such behavior was when Bella was asleep in her room and Edward, being a vampire who doesn’t need to sleep, stayed up “watching her sleep”.  Many, at least those with a certain amount of reasoning, saw this as “stalker behavior” and that began to puzzle me how these fans can interpret “stalker behavior” as “romantic” while on the other hand the human named Mike is thought of as “irritating”.  

Unfortunately, the vexation of the Twilight fan mindset doesn’t stop there, it continues, and it continues on through a line said by Bella which was used as a marketing tool on the back of the book:  

“About three things I was absolutely positive.  First, Edward was a vampire.  Second, there was a part of him – and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be – that thirsted for my blood.  And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”  

The notion of romance in this book is both highly questionable as well as laughable.  Such as the fact that as Bella put it she wasn’t sure how dominant Edward’s desire was to drink her blood.  To take a Freudian psychological view of this, it does seem to play into a type of hidden or subconscious rape fantasy.  

In other words that Bella (along with some who identify and wish to have a “lover” like Edward) have a hidden fantasy of being taken advantage of or being violated.  Some would say that is a stereotypical myth that “women want to be raped” however still looking at it from the psychological perspective there is something that is rape-like about the vampire.  Such as how the fangs extend, they penetrate, and take something from the victim.  One doesn’t have to be a psychologist to see something buried beneath this.  

Putting this “rape fantasy” aside there does seem to be also another type of fantasy at work here.  Once again taking a more symbolic stance of a vampire as a sexual being in search of self-fulfillment, it could be said that Edward restraining himself would come to play in a type of “ideal man” who resists or denies his own sexuality.  

Keeping in the vein of the denial of human sexuality, Meyer does seem to deny that in the writing of these teenagers.  In other words there is no talk of sex or sexuality among these characters whatsoever in the book “Twilight”.  Again, this suggests denial either on part of the character or on part of the author that humans are not sexual beings and yet any psychologist would tell you that this is denial.  Especially since the most that these characters ever do in the first book is kiss and nothing else.  

Additionally, there is an untouched idea that has been denied by most fans of the book.  It is the fact of age; Bella is a sixteen-year-old girl while Edward is over 100 years old.  Instantly, the story is filled with ideas and notions of pedophilia that would make sexual predators proud.  

Moving on from sex and sexuality, there is the issue of “love”, and the question of whether it is real.  Even though Bella says that she is “unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him” the question of whether it’s true love or something superficial like a high school crush.  It has been seen that teenage girls mature faster than boys of the same age which is the reason why they seek out older companions because they see a greater stability in them then they do in those of their own age.  

This could be the underline reason of why Bella “fell in love” with Edward but still, is it love?  In cases where a person loves someone in a rather shallow way it can either be called “being in love at” or simply “loving the idea of them”.  In the case of Bella and Edward, it is both: she is in love at him as well as love the idea of him.  

Once again, asking the question to Twilight fans of “if Edward was not a vampire would he still be as attractive?”  Just a few other questions I had posed this one didn’t get an answer only flack rhetoric of “you just don’t get it.”    

Perhaps I don’t get it because the flaws of this book defy all reason of why it has become popular or another reason why I “don’t get it” is because I think and apply something called “cognitive reasoning”.  Though perhaps the reason why I don’t get why this book is popular is because the mind and “heart” of the teenage vampire fan-girl is a mystery that goes beyond the bounds of actual thinking.  

Even still, if Stephanie Meyer is allowed to have her trite books published then there needs to be reasons why so many authors go unpublished, unheard, unread, and unnoticed.  With so many wonderful ideas floating around the minds, notebooks and word processors of unpublished authors and yet books like “Twilight” are allowed to be printed it makes one wonder if the publishing world has gone into the same trashy direction as Hollywood.